Q: How do I join the DKMU?
A: Purchase a yarmulke and a kefiyeh scarf and wear them all day everyday. You need a big Star of David on the yarmulke and classic PLO red and white kefiyeh. Abstain from all pork and shellfish but consume alcohol every other day, declaring it Haraam on the off days. Pray 5 times a day in Yiddish facing West. Then steal 5 gallons of holy water from the nearest Catholic church and replace it with filtered tap water. grind up several ghost chilies and soak them in the holy water along with ground poison oak bark and poison from a tree frog. Also put some whole ghost chilies in a bottle of 151.
In a highway rest stop fill a basin with the herbed holy water and bathe yourself in it, preferably in a handicapped stall. While bathing chant Psalm 50 and “I’m a little tea pot”. Between verses take a swig from your pepper rum.
After that you can have the application form. Please enclose a cashiers/bank check or money order for $663.00 and wait 4 to 6 weeks for your application form packet.
Upon receiving your packet, there are a series of initiation rituals involving high-voltage jumper cables, grape flavor KY jelly, a bucket of crustaceans (any kind), and lots and lots of chanting in a cross between swahili and pig-latin.
You must then re-submit your application form 9907 telepathically to the Secret Chiefs and wait for their response in your dreams.
Some applicants will be forced to eat pubes.